Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Randomize
