We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
