I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
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