Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
