why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
