i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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