She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
