Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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