took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
