It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
