New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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