So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Randomize
