Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
