Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
