Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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