Well apparently he's into motor boating.
do herpes really smell.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
