If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
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