I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
