Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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