If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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