i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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