My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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