I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
