yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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