You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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