How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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