bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
