I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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