I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
