Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
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I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
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To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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