Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
The best revenge is premature balding
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
