Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
