On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
he fucked my hip out of place.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
