she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
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I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
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Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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