i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
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