I haven't been this sober since birth.
someone owes me an orgasm
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
