If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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