i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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