i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
