He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
