Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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