In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
