I look better un-naked...
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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