my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
