you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
My dick has a subreddit
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
