They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
don't judge my taste in strippers
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
