this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
