It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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