ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
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