Acid is not a monday night drug
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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