Tell her she can't have a vagina
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
