dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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