I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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