The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
