What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
