Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Randomize
