Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
