I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
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