Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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