My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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