my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
