I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
